What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
