I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
