we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
