my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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