In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
