You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I currently don't understand fingers.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
