Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
