I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
