Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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