DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Even my vagina gasped.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
