did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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