tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
