I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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