I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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