I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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