I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
