Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
