my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
