her vagine was all disorganized.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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