Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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