He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
