Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
