the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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