I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
