I'm lost and stupid without you.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
