All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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