What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize