he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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