She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
