I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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