and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
