I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
