Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
