Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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