If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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