you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
