The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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