Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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