If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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