anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
