eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
