My Higher Power is John Stamos
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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