i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
