Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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