My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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