So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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