sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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