I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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