Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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