In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i out mim tonsoeep
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
