This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
