I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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