Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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