I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
