he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he quoted the bible to break up with me
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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