after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
