I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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